It's Always Been You
by Jerseyrae
Summary: How I think Yesterday should have ended. MerDer. Rated Mature
1. Chapter 1

This is what I think should have happened at the end of the latest episode, "Yesterday." It's a Der/Mer fic so if you don't like them, stop reading now. Other than that, ENJOY! And please review review review!

**It's Always Been You**

Meredith heard the knock on her door, but she didn't feel like answering. She didn't want to talk to anyone. The last week had been hell for her. From the bomb incident, to finding out about her mother's affair and seeing her dad for the first time in 20 years, to all this Derek stuff. Why had he shown up that night anyway? And why had she asked him about their last kiss. Maybe it was because she wanted to know if he still remembered. And he had. He remembered every little detail. And as much as it shouldn't have, it gave her hope. And then what Mark had said to her today.

"It's funny...Derek walks in on me naked with his wife. Actually in the throes...and he just turns around and walks away. But he sees me so much as talking to you, and I'm on the ground bleeding. Interesting, don't you think?"

She shouldn't even be thinking about him that way anymore. But of course she did, all the time. Everytime she walked past him in the hospital. Everytime she would look up and see him staring at her. Everytime they were alone in an elevator together. Everytime...she fell more in love with him. But what the hell was she supposed to do? She would just have to wait and see if Mark was right. If maybe the dirty mistresses really would win this time. She heard the knock on the door again.

"Who is it?"

"Hey...it's George. Umm...there's somebody at the door for you. But Mer...Meredith?"

"Ya George" she said as she started walking out of the room.

"Can I maybe...umm...talk to you?"

"Ya George. Can I go see who's here first?"

"Ya...I'll be...umm...in my room, ok?"

Meredith didn't say anythying, just smiled and continued to walk down the stairs.

She had a feeling it would be him. Well, she hoped it would be him...she always did. But she always prepared herself in case it wasn't. But this time it was...he stood in almost the exact same position he had when he had come to check on her last week. He looked tired, sad, detached. But he smiled that same McDreamy smile when she walked into the foyer.

"Hi." he said as he looked here up and down.

"Hi. Are you ok?"

"No. I'm not ok. I just...uhhh...Meredith." Derek said with sadness in his voice. She looked at him and walked into the living room. As she sat down on the couch, she nodded him over and he sat down next to her. She didn't want to say anything because she wanted him to talk first. He looked at her again and then put his face in his hands.

"Meredith...I...don't know what to do. I've racked my brain all day trying to come up with a solution, but I can't. And...I...I just needed to see you. I needed you." He said in the most sincere voice Meredith had ever heard and he turned his head towards her with one of those knee-melting, lopsided grins of his. She still didn't want to say anything. She wanted him to continue, explain everything.

"I love you Meredith. I love you more than you can understand. And when that bomb went off last week, I was a wreck. I came down from the surgical floor and all I wanted, was to see you, and touch you, and hold you, and kiss you. But when I came here, I couldn't let myself. I'm still married, yes, but other than that paper...it's you. It's always been you Meredith. Ever since that morning that I woke up right there, on your floor...it's been you." He looked over at her again and she thought she saw tears in his eyes. She was definitely going to cry...cue the tears... now.

"Meredith...hey...hey...shhh shhh shhh. Come on," Derek said with a little chucke, "I'm telling you this because I want to make you happy. Not because I want you to cry." He pulled her into his arms and against his chest, all the while stroking her hair. "The reason it took so long for me to tell you, and I guess for me to truly realize it, was today. When I saw Mark talking to you, I lost it. Obviously...you saw me hit him. But something just clicked. I realized that I didn't want anyone else to flirt with you, or talk to you like that. I want to be the only person you can even imagine loving. I want to spend my life with you. I want you. Nobody else, Meredith, nobody else."

Meredith pulled away from Derek and looked into his eyes. But all she wanted to do was kiss him. She wanted to feel his lips against hers again. But she needed to ask him some things first. She needed to know what this meant.

Well, hoped you liked it guys. Sorry it was a short first chapter and I left you hangin at the end, but I'll update soon. I promise. And PLEASE review! I love to hear what everyone thinks and let me know if you have any suggestions or things to change!


	2. Chapter 2

Derek leaned in to Meredith…hoping she felt the same way. All he wanted to do was kiss her and hold her in his arms and promise her that everything will be ok. But when he leaned towards her, she backed away. He looked at her with pain in his eyes….questioning….wanting to know what she was thinking.

"I just….Derek……I just want to know what this means. You come here and tell me you love me and always have, but that being said doesn't change the fact that you're still married."

"Not for long. It's over….we've both known it for a long time, but after seeing Mark, it just brought all those feelings back to me, and I realized that I hadn't forgiven her. I haven't been sure for a while, but now I know….I'll never be able to forgive her. But it's not just Mark….I could never forgive her….I don't think I ever really wanted to. And that's because of you."

"…. Derek…that's ridiculous…."

"….no….it's not. Every time I see you, or make eye contact with you, or smell your hair when you walk by, or see you go into a room by yourself….all I can think of is you…..and me…..and us. There have been so many times where I've caught myself watching you….with a patient, or filling out charts….or even just talking to your friends…and laughing….your laugh gets me every single time. And that's why I could never truly forgive her….because she took that privilege away from me….the privilege to touch you and hold you and look at you whenever I want to."

By now, Meredith had tears streaming down her face, so she let Derek pull her into his arms and rest his chin in her head. "Shhhh….shhhh….it's ok Mer….calm down….shhh." Meredith finally calmed down and looked up at him. Derek's eyes were calm, but worried at the same time. His eyes searched hers, for anything….any sign that he had gotten through to her. She looked down at her lap, then looked up and kissed him. And it was quick, just like that last kiss he had explained as their last. Then she pressed her forehead to his and whispered huskily to him, "I love you."

"I love you too Meredith. I love you so much." He took her face in his hands and kissed her…deeply and passionately. They kissed for a little longer then Meredith laid her head on Derek's chest. They didn't say anything because there was nothing left to say. All they needed now was exactly what they were doing. Meredith was asleep in less than a minute as Derek lightly ran his fingers through her hair. Derek was out not even five minutes later and shortly after, George padded down the stairs. He figured that Shepherd had probably left and Meredith had fallen asleep on the couch. But as he turned the corner into the living room, he noticed a head of dark curls. He slowly and quietly peeked over the end of the couch and felt his heart break a little. There was Meredith…curled onto the chest and tangled in between the legs and arms of Derek Shepherd. Her arms stretched all the way around his back and his legs criss crossed over the top of hers with one hand tangled in her hair and the other wrapped tightly around her shoulders. They looked like a human Christmas bow and he wished more than anything that he could be there…lying with Meredith, but he knew that Derek made her happy. And although it killed him to let her go, he wanted more than anything for her to be happy. Even if it wasn't with him.

Thanks for reading again guys! Hope you enjoyed it….I'll try and update in the next day or so. And thanks for all your great reviews on the first chapter. Keep 'em comin!


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith woke up in the morning in Derek's arms and loved the way it felt. She didn't want to move in case she woke him up so she just laid there, in his arms, staring at the living room. 'It had to be close to 5 when everyone would be getting up' she thought. She adjusted a little bit and heard Derek groan then tighten his grip around her. She loved the feeling of his arms around her, she felt so safe. It might be the only place that she truly felt safe at all.

"Hi" she said as she snuggled closer to his chest.

"Hi" he said in the sexiest voice she'd ever heard. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear very quietly and very huskily, "Good morning….maybe we should go up to your room before everyone gets up…."

Meredith smiled at his comment and knew exactly what he was talking about. And as much as she wanted to, she knew that they needed to wait until things were completely over with Addison. "mmmm…..I would love to, but I need to shower and get to work…and so do you if I recall correctly."

"We could make it quick….and you know what? I need to shower too…." He whispered in her ear again, giving her goosebumps all over her body. As she started to get up, Derek pulled her back down to the couch.

"Where do you think you're going missy?" He pulled her into his chest and tangled his legs with hers. As he looked into her eyes, Meredith couldn't help but get butterflies in her stomach. "If we're not going to go upstairs to do what I REALLY want to do right now, then you're going to have to cuddle with me here for at least another 15 minutes." Then Derek kissed her very softly and sweetly just as George walked into the room.

"Oh….sorry…uh….I'm….uh….so sorry you guys. I was…uh….just wondering if you were going to ride with us to work Mer cause um….we're gonna leave a little early today."

"It's ok on chat for a minute" said Meredith as she tried, but failed, to untangle herself from Derek.

"No….uh….it's ok….I have to finish getting ready, but I was um…..just wondering." George continued very nervously.

Meredith looked at Derek with a questioning look, but he did the answering for her.

"I think me and Meredith are going to go out to breakfast, George."

"Thanks though Georgie…" Meredith said in her most innocent voice. She didn't want everyone to know that anything was happening between them so soon. Addison and him weren't even officially divorced yet, or separated, for all she knew.

"Ok…just checkin."

After George walked away, Meredith finally managed to get up out of Derek's grasp and started walking upstairs.

"You're just going to leave me hanging with that kiss?"

"Looks like it. I'll be right back down…get some coffee. You remember where it is?"

"Of course." He said as he got up and looked Meredith up and down before she started to walk upstairs. "Are you sure you don't want me to help you pick out some clothes to wear?" He said in his most innocent voice.

"That's not necessarily what I want to hear at 5 something in the morning" said Izzie as she walked down the stairs past Meredith. "What's he doing here?" she whispered to Meredith. "He came to talk and we fell asleep on the couch. Cross my heart….nothing happened." She said as she held up the scout's honor sign.

As Izzie walked into the kitchen, Derek was pouring himself a cup of coffee and sensing her concern, he thought he'd say something first. "Nothing happened. I promise. I just wanted…needed….to see her. And talk to her."

"None of my business. But aren't you still married? Just curious."

"Not for long. After Mark showing up, I think we both know it's over."

"But did your wife know you were here last night?"

"No….she didn't. And please don't say anything just yet. I'm going to talk to her today."

"Ok. But just remember, you hurt her," Izzie said as she pointed upstairs, "and not only will you feel the rath from me, but Cristina will probably murder you in your sleep."

"I promise." Derek said while staring Izzie straight in her eye. "I love her Izzie. I really do. And I will NEVER hurt her again."

"Ok…as long as we're clear on that. See you at work."

"Bye Izzie."

After Derek heard Izzie and George leave, he decided to go and see how long Meredith would be. He quietly walked up the stairs and opened her door. She was bent over, naked, digging through her drawers with the music blaring. Her body wasn't completely dried off from the shower and her hair was wet and sticking to her back. He watched as she pulled on a cute pair of panties and then continued to rummage through her drawers. He couldn't help himself anymore so he walked up and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist from behind.

"Ahh!" she screamed before realizing that it was Derek. "You scared the shit out of me Derek," she said as she turned around and slapped his chest. She had forgotten that she was completely naked except for her panties. As she stood there in Derek's arms, completely naked and vulnerable, she realized that this is what she wanted….to be in his arms for the rest of her life. He looked into her eyes. She felt like his eyes could see into her soul and she never felt more comfortable than in that moment. He leaned down and kissed her, but this time it was full of passion and hunger. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back just as passionately. He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to the bed. He laid her down and immediately she was taking his shirt off and unbuttoning his pants.

"I love you Meredith." Derek said as he looked into her eyes. She stared back and held his face in her hands, "I love you too Derek."

She pulled him to her and wrapped her legs around his waist again. He kissed down her body and pulled her panties off while grazing her clit with his thumb. He quickly lost his boxers at the sound of her moans and grabbed a condom from the nightstand. As he crawled back on top of her, he whispered in her ear, "and I've missed you….a lot."

"I've missed you too."

After they finished, they lay on the bed, both incredibly out of breath. Derek rolled over and pulled Meredith into him. "And I've really missed this…" he said as he kissed her neck and shoulders. "We're going to be late if we don't leave right now Derek."

"Oh come on….5 more minutes."

"Fine….5 more minutes, but that's all…I don't want to be late for rounds."

And they laid there….for 5, then 10, then 15 minutes before they finally made themselves get up and get dressed for work. This was what Meredith missed. Being together in the morning….it made her feel less alone.

Well, there's the 3rd chapter. Hope you liked it! I'll try and update soon, but I have papers and presentations due next week. And as always, I love hearing your reviews!


	4. Chapter 4

When they finally got to work, they were both a half hour late. Meredith walked up late to rounds and all she got from Bailey was a disapproving look followed by questioning looks from her friends.

"Girl problems. Sorry Dr. Bailey." Meredith tried to explain, but Bailey wasn't buying it.

"You're in the pit today Grey. And I better not see you leave until every last suture and exam has been completed."

"Yes Dr. Bailey." Meredith said and turned to walk down to the pit. She knew that she would probably get stuck with some stupid job today because she was late, but it was worth it. The morning had been perfect and even though they hadn't driven to work together, her and Derek had planned on having lunch and chatting a little bit more. She was waiting for the elevator when she noticed Derek and Addison talking at the end of the hall. Addison was trying to touch Derek's cheek and he pushed her hand away and continued to look towards the ground. Then he saw him turn and punch the wall. Addison's head fell and she made one last attempt to grab her husband's hand before he walked away. Meredith figured it had something to do with Mark, but neither her nor Derek had any room to react because they had committed adultery just hours ago. She watched as Addison leaned against the wall and closed her eyes after Derek walked away and she got on the elevator. She hoped that Derek would be ok and that things would continue how they were going with them. She didn't want this second chance to be ruined also.

Meredith had been in the pit for an hour and a half when she received a page from Derek. 'On-Call room 5 asap.' She finished up her sutures on her current patient and headed down the hall. She knocked on the door as she opened it, hoping Derek was alright. She stepped in the room and closed the door looking at Derek sitting on the floor against the wall. He looked up at her and smiled one of his McDreamy smiles, but it was a mask because the real smile looked exhausted and hurt.

"Hi." He said and reached his hand up to grab her hand. "Sit. Right here." He patted the spot in front of him and she sat down in between his legs and he pulled her back into his chest, wrapping his arms around her tightly. He buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath following close behind with soft, sweet kisses on the back of her neck. Goosebumps rose all over her body. She didn't want to say anything because she wanted him to talk. "So…." He started.

"So…" she answered back, quietly urging him to continue.

"I believe in Karma..." He started and she just listened as they sat wrapped up with each other on the floor when there was a chair and a bed just feet away. It felt more intimate. It felt closer that way.

"…and I believe Karma gave me you."

They continued to sit for another minute or so before he explained.

"It happened again. I had a feeling it would. Especially after I left it yesterday." He continued. Then she knew…Addison. Mark. Addison and Mark.

"Oh" was all she could muster.

"She asked me where I went last night and I looked at her, knowing the guilty look that was spread across her face. I didn't even answer her question. All I said was 'Again Addison? Seriously?' And then I punched the wall and I've been sitting in here ever since. It's over….which is great because now I can love you without having to hide it, but it still hurts, ya know?"

"I do know…. I'm here. For whatever. But if you need time, I understand that too." She said as she laid sweet kisses across the knuckles of his right hand.

"All I need is you." He whispered in her ear.

"Ok."

And they continued to sit on the floor. They didn't talk. They were just there. With each other. Meredith felt safe and Derek felt like he could breathe again.

So, sorry this chapter is so short, but I wanted to put up a quick one after the episode tonight because there was not much Mer/Der hope for us. Hope you liked it…please continue to review…I love to hear what you have to say. And I hope this pleases anyone who was upset at the fact that Der "cheated" on Addie. Cheers!


	5. Chapter 5

When Derek's pager went off, he groaned and made a move to get up.

"Hey" she said before he got too far. "What time do you get off?"

"Eleven. When do you get off?" he said as he buried his face in her hair again and inhaled deeply. She leaned into him more as he caused goosebumps to travel up and down her spine.

"Midnight….." she said in a very breathy manner.

"I don't want to wait that long to see you…" Derek whispered huskily in her ear as his pager went off again. He needed to get up, but the way Meredith was talking in that whispered, breathy way with her raspy voice made him go crazy. He was more turned on than he'd ever been since Addison had come back.

"I know…." She whispered again and then she quickly turned around in his arms and pressed her mouth against his. His legs fell down to the floor and she used this to quickly straddle him and push her body into his. He kissed her back deeply and ran his hands through her hair before moving down to take her butt in his hands and pull her against him even harder, rougher. He heard a low moan escape her lips as he did this and that ended it for him. He had to have her right then. He heard his beeper go off again, but all he did was take it off and push it across the floor. As his beeper hit the door, it was flung open, revealing Addison. Meredith turned from Derek and when she realized who was standing at the door, she quickly got up and ran out the door, straightening herself out as she walked down the hall.

"Well….looks like I'm not the only guilty one…" Addison said in a sad voice.

"Addison….I don't need this right now…."

"So it didn't even take a full day for you to go back to her…" Addison said cutting him off. "…Mark was right…you are still in love with her. God damn it…why am I so stupid?"

"You're stupid? Addison…YOU are the one who cheated on me. And then after I decide to try and work our marriage out, YOU are the one who cheated on me again. And yes, I am in love with Meredith."

"So…this…" Addison said, gesturing between her and Derek. "….this is over. For good. We're done trying." She said as more of a statement than a question, as if she were giving the answer, not asking the question.

"Yes, Addison, this is over. But I think we've been fooling ourselves, we've been over for a lot longer." Derek said while he stared at the ground. His beeper went off again and he got up and slipped past Addison out the door, but she grabbed his arm gently before he got away.

"The papers will be on the table at home. I'll move my stuff out as soon as I can."

Derek just looked at her very sadly and walked away. This was going to be harder than he thought, but it had to happen. He was tired of settling because it was comfortable for him. That was the ultimate reason why he had gone back to her, comfort. She was simple, easy, but he realized that comfort alone was not enough. He needed her. Meredith. That was the difference. It had been all along. He had never NEEDED Addison, even in all the years they had been together, but he needed Meredith. She was his rock, he felt safe around her. She was his home.

Derek was walking down the hall, looking for Meredith everywhere when he turned and saw her standing next to the nurse's station. He stopped and leaned against the wall and watched her as she concentrated on the chart in front of her. He loved when she got all serious about work because her forehead would crinkle up into a few cute little wrinkles. He smiled, to no one in particular, as he stared at her and then he glanced over and saw all the nurses staring at him and whispering. He pushed himself off the wall and quietly snuck over to where Meredith was. He leaned on the counter and then leaned his face in as close to her as he could. It startled her at first then she realized who it was. She stared back at him into his eyes just like he was looking at her. She didn't say anything, she just looked at him. Derek moved a little closer, looked at her lips and then back up into her blue-gray eyes. As she smiled at him, Derek pulled her face towards his while entangling his hands in her hair and kissed her. It was soft at first, then she opened her mouth and let his tongue explore as she did the same to him.

Meredith was the one to stop the kiss. She put her hands on his chest and pushed him away. He looked at her, his eyes showing a little bit of sadness. She looked over and saw 5 nurses staring. She quickly turned away from them, grabbed Derek's hand and drug him down the hall into an on-call room.

They didn't say a word as they locked the door and frantically began to undress each other. Hands roaming all over each other's bodies and falling onto the bed. Meredith moved her way down Derek's body with kisses and he moaned as she took him in her mouth and then slowly traveled back up his body to straddle him. He rolled them over and kissed Meredith deeply before sliding into her.

Her moans were subsided with little bites on his shoulders. Derek slowed down, not wanting to finish before she did and watched her as she bit her lip and wrapped her legs around his waist. She lost it when she felt him go even deeper inside and watching her finish triggered him to do the same. He laid on top of her not wanting to lose this intimacy. She kissed his shoulder and neck while she played with his hair.

"I love you," Derek said kissing her collar bone.

"I love you too…."

Well, hoped you guys enjoyed it. More coming soon…I promise! And thanks for all the great reviews. I really appreciate them. Keep 'em comin! -Jersey


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